THE MALE-SEX JARGON

As this weekend was an extremely chilled one with no outings or drinking, I decided to broaden my horizons and do some miscellaneous, yet interesting, reading about men and sex, having as a reference a booklet called “the 100 things men should know about sex” (I have no idea how it got into my room, I swear). Yes, it is indeed directed to men and even if I happen not to be one, I found it very inspiring and sometimes, helpful in practice. Please note few of the new words I learned:

METAMOUR: In a relationship where more than two people are involved, the metamour is the name given to your girlfriend / boyfriend’s lover(s). The interesting fact is that instead of hitting him / her hard in the face, you rather think he / she is a quite cool person.

The best example of a Metamour: Eric Northman from cult series True Blood

COMPERSION: Many people have asked me throughout the years what is the EXACT opposite of jealousy (i.e.: most dictionaries state “trust”, but I dare to disagree). Well, this is it people! Compersion is the feeling of relief and happiness when your girlfriend / boyfriend breaks up with you or is tempted to go discover other men / women’s anatomy.

"I never get jealous when I see my girl with someone else, because my mom always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate."

MANSCAPING: A very interesting and new trend in Greece. Some state it is a state of art and culture. Manscaping is the act of shaving or waxing a man’s face, torso or “below the belt” parts. According to experts at Askmen.com, it heightens the sexual experience by creating slippery and smooth contact. Most women do prefer it bold and smooth so I am guessing it is the thing to do to enhance your partner’s arousal because at the end of the day, "there's nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking!"

Fact: The clean-shaven look has reached so much popularity nowadays that Philips Norelco electronics marketed a foil body grooming shaver designed exclusively for your manscaping need!

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving so I say: 

"I'm gonna shave too"

RELASTITUTION: It is a give and take relationship where one party provides the sex and the other one offers material goods such as gifts, dinners at fancy restaurants, etc. In other words, the girl (mostly the case) uses the boy for material gain and the boy buys her for physical, emotional pleasure. In my opinion, I am under the impression that relastitution is either an early stage of prostitution or a fulfilment to two über pathetic people.

      

From movie "How to marry a millionaire" (1953)

"A Golddigger is like a prostitute, only smarter".

LAIR: So common I could die. Lair is when a group of usually very cocky men gather together and exchange their “flirting” tactics in order to put them in practice when the lights turn down. If you are a woman, lair nucleus’ are very dangerous, some sort of a black hole that may suck you in for a whole night! In every lairing group, there are the “losers” who try to learn and the “experts” who teach. At the end of the night, you either remain a loser or end up lucky in a stranger’s bed.

From movie "Grease" (1978): The "Boys" discussing summer and girls at school recess

BITCH SHIELD: Do I really have to explain? In case it is not stating the obvious, a bitch shield is a man’s worst enemy: when a woman places natural and sometimes aggressive boundaries between you and her underwear. Still, it could be a nice mind game for both sexes and perhaps the essence of a fun evening. These days, sex is too easy to get; thus, a bitch shield may be quite amusing for a man as long as he ends up winning the “game”.

CAMELTOE: All of those that have seen Sex and the City 2 should be familiar with the expression. A camel toe is what you can see at the level of a woman’s private parts when she is wearing very tight leggings or pants. Not fancy. Huge turn off.  Some are more familiar with the “moose knuckle”. That is, any sexual organ appearing under tight clothes; it has a broader meaning than the camel toe (fully dedicated to the vagina).

Britney Spear's disturbing Cameltoe during the shooting of her clip "Oops I did it again" (2000)

MILF: Again, should I really say what a MILF is? Regardless, a mother I’d like to f**k. It is a woman in her mid thirties, early forties who does not necessarily have children, but that gives you a hint of her maturity, yet sexiness. After few years time, she changes into a GILF. If you come to Greece and go for coffee in Glyfada in the southern suburbs, you will know exactly what I am talking about. I wish I could post a picture of what I consider a pure MILF (the ugly type) but I rather let your imagination work.

Where did she get the baby out from? Post-natal Heidi Klum in one of Victoria's secret fashion show

COUGAR, PUMA, JAGUAR and LION CUB: This feline jargon is simply names characterizing a “mature” woman liking to hang out in bar, clubs and hitting on younger males, 10 to 15 years older than her. That is, a cougar is the feminine of a manther. “Lion cubs” is the name given to her victims. A cougar deviates discussions having to do with her age, children, previous marriages or anything that has to do with her past. Cougars prey on their younger victims in order to gain popularity amongst their fellow cougars, as well as for a sexual high. Some are extremely good looking MILFs and somewhat stylish. Others are old, drunk dirt, ex-prostitutes with a lot of money and a feeling of insecurity. Cougars become Puma’s (late thirties) and then, in their sixties, they reach the ultimate level of Jaguars.

It would be crazy not to mention the queen of Cougars, their ultimate inspiration: Demi Moore (photographed here with lion cub Ashton Kutcher)

VAJAYJAY: The American airheaded replacement to “vagina” in a supposedly cute and conservative way. For me, it is just pathetic and at the edge of ridicule. Some men like it when women tend to cut words in half or start speaking in a high pitched level to seem cuter. JESUS! Stick to your voice and to the Oxford dictionary.

Yes, that sorts of sums it: Blondes. 

VAGITARIAN: A man or woman purely attracted to a woman’s private part. Some define it as the new word for “lesbian”. Rather, it combines lesbians as well as heterosexual men. Also, it is the strict opposite of a penivore.

Igor Vassiliadis' "Forbiden Embrace"

O-FACE: What your face looks like when you reach an orgasm, either a man or a woman.

SEX HAIR: What your hair looks like after passionate sex… Have you hear of Motley Crue fans banging their heads up and down? Something like that.

Sexy O-face and Sex hair combined in a unique shot of Naomi Watts

WINGMAN: The one who accompanies you in your flirting nights out and will be an accomplice in getting the girl at the end of the bar. I have noticed that the best wingman is a woman friend. If you have a female “buddy” with whom your friendship is pure and who is hot and sociable, take her out for a drink, you won’t go back home empty handed.

"Dejeuner sur l'herbe" Edouart Manet (1863)

I'm not sure why I've put this here. I just have a feeling that these gentlemen met these two women in the forest, one being the wingman of the other, had a picnic and then had sex until the break of dawn.

ROASTING: Perhaps every woman’s hidden fantasy? A feature of our Freudian id, it consists of one woman having multiple sexual liaisons with men at the very same time. In other words, one-female orgy.

Roasting in Fashion advert by Calvin Klein